Someone once told me that life is not always fair; that some days are better than others are. Men do not care for this rule and we want everyday to be great, perfect and full of joy; but deep down we know it cannot be. We refuse to accept the unfairness of life though; we resist in our own unique ways to every bad thing that happens in our lives. We have been known to resist violently, lashing out at others in rage; and we have been known to bear the pain ourselves without rage and violence. Either way we find a way to deal, but dealing is not our game in life; we would rather solve the problem than to risk defeat. However, there are times and situations that cannot be solved; that judgment and result are given in one sweeping blow that can knock the wind out of our self-esteem or knock us out completely. These types of problems cannot be avoided if a male wants to have a normal and productive life. It is a matter of our approach and our dealing with the result that will give us a learning tool for future problems. The problem I want to ad-dress is dealing with rejection by a woman in two different stages: pre-relationship and during the relation-ship.
When I say pre-relationship I am trying to say is asking a woman out on a date. For most men this is the trickiest part of the relationship, and the most feared because of that. Men also have a portion of self-doubt in themselves when it comes to persons of the opposite sex that they find attractive. They will go through a period where they try to talk themselves out of asking a woman on a date by using the self-doubt. They will try to convince themselves that they are not good enough for the woman and therefore should not try. This is a subconscious defensive tactic to avoid rejection; because you cannot be rejected if you do not try. Self-doubt is the first snag that needs to be reckoned with before pursuing any relationship.
To overcome self-doubt you need to believe in yourself in and out. You need to show people that you are confident and believe that you are confident as well; if you cannot convince yourself, it will be ex-ponentially harder to convince others. To do this you need to become a little arrogant to get your self-esteem up. Focus on your strengths, not weaknesses and exploit them. If you have gotten to the point where you have torn down your self-esteem to the point where you cannot tell your own strengths, then talk to someone, anyone. The best place to go is your mother; she loves you for all that you are regardless of what you’ve done and will show you who you really are. If you cannot talk to your mother then find a good friend to feed you ego for a while; however do not become dependant on the ego-boost you get from others. Use their words as a springboard to self-confidence both inside and out.
You also need to relax around others especially the woman you are interested in pursuing. Most men feel rather awkward around the ones they like and often try to underplay their fear and anxiety, or overplay them and try to psychologically try to show off for the woman. These are dead give-a-ways to the woman that you are interested; but it also shows that you are too immature to handle it in a normal way. The way to overcome this anxiety is to focus on the situation at hand. You most likely did not act macho or timid around the woman you like before you found her interesting. No, you treated her like a friend like one of the guys; not like a sexual object or a goal. The person treated her as such is the one whom she likes or is interested in. In return, it is the person she was in reaction to that treatment that you started to like. It is a give and take relationship from the get go; any deviation from that would be hard or even detrimental to the relationship before it even gets off the ground.
Now, you are probably asking yourself, how do I avoid this awkwardness; and the answer is sim-ple, suppress your feelings. You have to try to not let feelings could your personality or your judgment on speech. At times suppression maybe hard to do, especially if your feelings are increasing for that person and it feels like you are about to lose it. Just remember this simple point in the back of your mind; a man looking over anxious around a woman is more likely to scare her off than a man who is very cool and com-fortable around her. Depending on the strength of your relationship and the woman involved, you might have to wait for her to make the first move. However, if you spend all of your time waiting for her to make her move she will either lose interest or some one else will make their move in the meantime. Know when you need to wait or know when you need to make a move; either way keep your focus.
Now, if and when you make your move there are two obvious responses that the woman will give: yes and no. The no response is the one that guys have the most problem with, but there are ways to deal with it correctly. The best way is to realize that there are “other fish in the sea,” and move on to an-other woman. Life does not end when a woman says no, in fact it should be viewed as a learning experi-ence for any man. After the reaction is given to the man, it should be looked upon as a grade on how well you approached a potential date. See where you went wrong in your approach, your self-doubt in yourself; as well as little things such as your dress, breath, and other physical things. If you cannot decipher your wrongs in this type of situation, ask the woman why she said what she said; it may not be you at all.
There are many reasons that a woman could say no and those reasons should be defined when the negative response is given. Responses like the woman having a boyfriend, or moving to a distant place should be seen not as rejections based on your character, but rejections based on necessity. It is unreason-able to think that a woman will start a romantic relationship with you when they are already involved with another or they are ready to move to another state or country. Those situations will not tolerate nor warrant a relationship, and that should not bee seen as a bad thing. You should be overjoyed to know that the rejec-tion is not about you personally and that should give some comfort for your self-esteem.
Rejections based on flaws on your personality tend to be more painful because it fills you with that self-doubt that is detrimental to your dating practices. The way to deal with these responses is to learn from the like I mentioned before. If the rejection is a calm one where the woman nor you feels no contempt for the other; then ask a reason to work on for your next attempt.
If she says she is not ready for a relationship at this time, she is most likely telling the truth; espe-cially if the woman is recently single or been hurt either physically or mentally in the past. This should be dealt with like a response of necessity and not as a personal attack or a personal rejection.
Now there is the rejection during the relationship that is, unfortunately, harder to deal with for anyone; male and female alike. When a woman says that she does not want to see you anymore and wants to end the relationship, it can be very detrimental to you. The pain is more severe when the relationship has grown and love is in the matter. You feel that the one you love has rejected you for whatever reason and there must be something terribly wrong with you. Most of the time it is not you it is the other person; the feelings on the relation ship have changed to the point where the only way to resolve it is to end it. Men, as a rule do not see the end of a relationship while it is going as a resolution at all, but as a sure sign of some-thing wrong with them either physically or in their personality. We feel like that since we have been re-jected by the one we loved that we are not good enough for anyone or ourselves; and at times not good enough for life. These feelings are not uncommon as well but should be handled in the same way as any other rejection, only more earnestly because more emotional resources have been depleted. However, there should not be any reason that recovery into what you have been before the relationship; your self-esteem, your pride. Not all is lost on a man who still has a little faith in himself. It should bee looked upon in a Shakespearian point of view: it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
In conclusion, rejection can be avoided in many ways, but it cannot be avoided forever. There are flaws in all of us that make us susceptible to rejection at one time or another and in many forms. It is a mat-ter of how we conduct ourselves to reduce our chances of rejection as well as preparing ourselves for the worst in any case. Nothing should be taken for granted and hope should not be lost on a single word such as no. We should look at all down-fallings as lessons in life and that whatever does not kill us only makes us stronger. I may have said things that are obvious to many, but not all are willing to let themselves be helped. Some people spend their entire lives in self-pity and relying on the pity of others to boost heir es-teem. Hope is what is needed to help these people and to get them back in the game. There is no such thing as a lost cause; especially in terms of the heart.